Stories & Articles

Eroticism & me

I’ve felt sexual for as long as I can remember.

I was fantasising about groups of men touching me long before I started masturbating. I could feel their hands on my breasts, in my mouth and on the outside of my pussy.  I didn’t touch myself but I moistened from these thoughts.  

I was 16 when I lost my virginity but I wish I’d lost it earlier. There were so many cocks I would’ve liked to have felt deep inside of me.

I said ‘no’ to boy after boy because I read that the first time hurt.  

It didn’t.  It slid in.

​I was petrified of giving a blowjob as well. I thought I’d hate it but I liked it from the very first time.  I liked the way it felt in my mouth and I liked the effect it had on my body.  

How does a girl cope when she’s been given a sexuality bigger than herself?  In my teens and twenties I channelled the energy in many ways — via artistic expression, fierce promiscuity and rage.  

In my thirties the biggest shock has been my sexual peak — this bitch is one large MOTHERFUCKER. I thought I was in my sexual peak at 31, then 34, then 37.  I’m now 39 and my peak is still ascending.  I think about sex ALL day — it’s very distracting. 

​If a penis without a condom even looked at me, I would get pregnant. Fighting for a career whilst waving the ‘childless by choice’ flag is one thing. Fighting against biology and evolution is quite another!  

Obviously I’m unable to have sex all day but shit, I’d love to give it a shot! Instead my sexual energy finds it’s own way of expressing itself.  

Every day I spend a couple of hours downloading erotica and pornography.  I currently have over 42, 000 images of labias, penises, nudes, pubic hair, arses, simulated sex, real sex, erotic models, vintage porn, French postcards…etc.

Viewing erotic imagery is definitely part of my creative process.  I find it meditative.  I find it gives me ideas for my articles and other creative pursuits.  Like going to the gym.  Viewing erotic imagery is a part of my daily routine.

I’m still trying to work my ‘sexual self’ out.  

But the main thing is not to apologise for my sacred sexual journey.


I’ve got your back Vanessa.  It’s okay.