How to spot a bunny-boiler in less than three dates

Print column for Maxim Magazine September 2017 issue

The term ‘bunny boiler’ derives from the classic 1987 film, Fatal Attraction – starring Michael Douglas and Glenn Close.  Who could forget the scene where the family rabbit met it’s death in a saucepan?

According to the Collins English Dictionary, a bunny boiler is defined as: A woman, who is considered to be emotionally unstable and likely to be dangerously vengeful.

So how does a bloke go about keeping his life, bunny boiler free?

Unfortunately bunny boilers don’t come with a label like other toxic substances.  

But there are definitely red flags and warning signs that tend to emerge before the third date.  

You don’t even know her and she’s talking about lifelong commitment

A bunny boiler doesn’t understand the meaning of ‘taking things slow’.  You haven’t even kissed her yet and she’s chosen the names of your unborn children.  Run!

She contacts you non-stop

You’ve just dropped her home after your first date and she’s already sent you 5 texts, left you 2 voicemail messages and written you an email.  This is the beginning of the end.

She isolates you from friends and family

She hasn’t met your friends or family but it’s apparent she doesn’t like them.  A bunny boiler will attempt to isolate you, so she can have you all to herself.

She has serious trust issues

Bunny boilers are incredibly paranoid and struggle with trust. They check your phone.  Hack your social media.  And follow you in their car.  It’s most similar to being under house arrest.

She loves to fuck more than any other girl you know

It’s quite possible that this woman is the best fuck of your life.  You’ve only caught up with her twice and already you’ve explored more sex positions and kinks than in your last 2 long-term relationships.  Crazy women are the best in bed. Cest la vie!…

She’s jealous of your existing friendships with other women

She has no rationale when it comes to you and other females.  The mere mention of another woman stands her arse-hairs on end.

She’s a control freak

Bunny boilers try and control your entire life — who you see, where you go and what you say. Controlling YOUR life gives them a sense of calm

She throws a tantrum when she doesn’t get her own way

She’s a princess, actress and victim all rolled into one.  You hardly know her yet she’s already chucking ‘tanties’.  Yep, it’s time to cut her loose, no matter how good the pussy is.

She starts appearing randomly

She joins your gym, arrives at your work and is waiting inside your house when you arrive home from a meeting.  Dangerzone!  

Your family rabbit goes missing

Fluffy isn’t in her cage and your son hasn’t seen her.  

Have you checked the stove?

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Hopefully from now on, you’ll be able to spot a bunny boiler.  You really don’t need this kind of stress in your life.  

Firm, non-reactive and defiant is the best way to deal with one.