The Birthday Bang

This sex column of Vanessa’s appeared in the August 2017 print issue of Maxim Magazine

Before you ditch the leftover cake and wipe off another year.  

Let’s explore the possibilities for  blistering, unadulterated birthday sex.

Jokes are plentiful when discussing birthday sex.  There’s the infamous ‘birthday blowjob’ that comes once a year.  Then there’s the ‘birthday shag’ — a popular event amongst non-newlyweds.

But for those searching for some serious birthday action. I’ve constructed a list of ‘10 HOT sex ideas’ which will skyrocket your birthday-bang to new heights.

For Her Birthday:

1). Marathon Sex

It’s time to go hard or go home.  You have four goals.

  1. To gift her with multiple orgasms
  2. To pound her so hard that she wakes up with a bangover.
  3. To perform cunnilingus until your tongue goes numb.
  4. To put her sexual pleasure above your own.

2). Three Wishes

A recent study conducted by The Australian Study of Health and Relationships found that 92% of men and only 66% of women orgasmed during sex.  

So, if you’re unable to transform into a genie on her birthday and grant 3 sexual wishes — you ain’t much chop!  

Whilst gifting your birthday girl, don’t forget to voice how important it is that she climaxes. Just hearing these supportive words could set her off.

3). Blindfolds

Birthday blindfolding is the bomb!  Sensory deprivation heightens one’s senses. She’ll feel every flick of your tongue.  She’ll feel every wiggle of your finger as you dip it into her wet pussy.   Arouse her until she’s begging you to enter.

4). Sex Clubs

This will require a bit of pre-birthday research. But if your birthday girl is broadminded.  Sex clubs can be a great place to celebrate.  The sex club allows individuals to be observers. Having a few cocktails and being a voyeur isn’t  a bad way to spend one’s time. You can save the hot birthday sex for home. 

5). Figging

Never heard of it?  Let me give you the heads-up.  Figging is a popular practice in bdsm circles.  It involves inserting a piece of skinned ginger into the vagina or anus.  It’s believed figging began when a ginger finger was used in a woman’s anus whilst being caned — to prevent her from clenching her buttocks.  

I’m yet to try anal figging but I’m a regular vaginal figger and it’s HOT as in temperature (oh-fuck-hot) and desire (please-fuck-the-absolute-shit-out-of-me-hot).  

If she’s not keen on trying a whole finger of ginger.  How about  cutting a small slice and putting it on her clit.  Happy Birthday Baby!  

For His Birthday: (Leave this page open, so she sees it..)

Fuck woman, you’ve got to suck his dick, it’s his birthday. It’s called manners!  But if you really wanna make it a special occasion, the food-based-blowjob is what you need.  I find food-based-blowjobs so hot, not only for him…but for me.  They are the only kind of birthday sex I’m recommending.  Because quite simply, it’s the only kind of birthday sex he’ll ever need. 

6). Marshmallow BJ

You’ll need two marshmallows, you put one inside each cheek, allow them to get a bit wet and get him to  squeeze his cock into the tight-spaced-heaven that is your mouth-hole.  You may need to replace them with a new set of marshmallows as they disintegrate but it’s a party in your mouth.

7). Pop Rocks BJ

Yes, that carbonated candy that fizzes as it dissolves in your mouth is GREAT for use during blowjobs and guys love the sensations.  Definitely worth the experience, if only once!

8). Whipped Cream BJ

Is there anything sexier than squirting whipped cream over an erect cock then slowly licking it off?  Meow. 

9). Flavored Lube BJ

I’ll be honest, I’m not personally a fan of flavored lube but I’ve worked in sex shops and it’s popular with the ladies.  Many swear by flavored lube blowjobs.  So I’m outvoted it seems.  Make the decision for yourself on his birthday.

10). Birthday Cake BJ

Don’t ditch the leftover birthday cake.  It now has a purpose god-damn-it.

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So that’s birthday sex done and dusted, finishing on a high note with food-based-blowjobs.  I’ll catch you round, I’m off to find myself a man who’s having a birthday.