The Politics of Office Sex

This column appeared in the October 2016 Penthouse (print) issue

Can I sleep with my boss?  

Can I sleep with my co-worker?  

Or do I need to update my resume?

These are the questions that fixate themselves in people’s minds as they walk robotically back and forth to the water-cooler.   Let’s face it, work can be monotonous, tedious — plebeian. Having a fuck at work is one’s only retort.

GRINDING WHILST GRINDING

They call it ‘the grind’ for a reason. Because every day it grinds against you.  Before you end up in a coffin, why not seek some stress-relief at work through sex?  Science tells us that regular fucking increases our lifespan.  Who knows?  A weekly work-shag could help you score a century in years to..er..cum.

DANGER

Office sex is appealing because it’s dangerous.  You’re risking your job and possibly your reputation. Sexperts the world over agree that forbidden sex equates to super-hot sex.  But who needs an incentive?  Like really?

BANGING THE BOSS

There is zero shame in banging the boss. Metaphorically, bosses have been fucking over workers for years. How about some reverse psychology?  How about a pay rise?  How about a few extra minutes for lunch?  Fucking the boss = PERKS. Comprende?

DICKTATION

Dickdickdick…tation! 

The best feature of ‘office sex’ is the desk.  My god, it has so many variables.  I can see a tie coming off and being used for someone’s wrists.  I can see oral sex on the swivel-chair.  I can see documents flying everywhere. I would’ve made a great secretary with my skill-set…I must remember to update my CV!

BANGING A CO-WORKER

There’s always that co-worker that you’d like to fuck.  A hint of cleavage or a flash of arse can send one’s thoughts into overdrive.  The denial of feelings is the denial of life — just ask Buddha. 

I suggest you fuck your co-worker whenever and however you can.  Do it for the team.  Do it for the workers and bosses that wanna do it but don’t. Holy fuck, just do it for me.