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The Hum-Balls Harlot

Vanessa de Largie | The Huff Post | 19th of January 2016

My name is ‘Miss Hum-Balls-Harlot’ but you can call me Hum for short.

How did I get my name? Well, I’ll tell you darlings — I earnt it. I hummed my way to hum-balls-harlotdom.

For those who think I’m talking double-dutch. Hum-Balls is when you put a man’s balls in your mouth and hum. The humming vibrates through their lovely scrotum — sending vibrations and making their love-swords as hard as a hammer.

I wasn’t always a hum-balls harlot. Actually, I would’ve categorized myself as a hum-balls dud. I was 21 when I first heard of this phenomenon. I’d gone back to a man’s hotel after a night out at the casino. We were having a bath when he politely asked if I would like to hum on his balls.

I was offended. I thought he was making fun of me and when he passed out later, I left and caught a cab home. I never inquired or thought much about it. Life went on — as they say.

As my age increased, so did my sexual experience and confidence in the bedroom. I no longer felt scared and vulnerable when men asked me to try new things — actually I felt excited.

It would be nine years before another man asked me to hum on his balls but this time I said yes. I wanted to experience what it felt like as the hummer and witness what it did to the humee.

Balls swinging past my face wasn’t a new thing. It was life. I knew them and I loved them. But getting one or two nuts in my mouth and humming was a whole new ball-game.

As I sprinkled kisses over his mountains of lust, Mr.Will-You-Hum-On-My-Balls asked when the humming-action was going to take place.

“Is everything okay? Have you done this before?” He inquired impatiently.

“Of course!’” I said. After all I was a humdinger from way back, (if only in my mind).

I have a large mouth but his balls were generously sized. I managed to get 1.5 balls in my mouth. I was stuck. Hum? I was struggling to breathe. How did other women manage this? I decided to focus on one ball.

“What are you going to hum?” He inquired, doe-eyed.

Was this guy for real? Here I was going all out — far exceeding my comfort zone and he was asking me what I was going to hum?

“I can hum the national anthem if you like!” I responded, after removing my lips from the right side of his scrotum.

“ Okay.” He replied blankly and none the wiser.

So I did. I hummed the first chorus of Advance Australia Fair and then we had the best sex of the century.

The moral of the story: Hum, hum, hum because it’s fun, fun, fun. You don’t even have to be able to hold a tune.

I have a few Australian songs in my humming repertoire now, but my personal favorite is ‘Waltzing Matilda’.