Political Performance

Maxim Magazine February Issue 2019 — Print column by Maxim sex columnist — Vanessa de Largie

Vanessa de Largie | Maxim Magazine | Feb 5, 2019

According to a book by social psychologist, Dr. Justin Lemiller from The Kinsey Institute, conservatives primarily fantasise about the naughty stuff that exists outside of marriage – such as orgies, wife-swapping and voyeurism. You know, everything that is at odds with their family values. Democrats, however, fantasise about masochism and the submissive/dominant power-plays executed in BDSM.

This research, from The Kinsey Institute, certainly doesn’t mirror my personal experiences. In Australia and the UK particularly, conservatives seem to litter the BDSM scene, which I have been a large part of.

In their day-to-day normal lives, conservatives may seem more sexually repressed but when the sun goes down… boy-oh-boy! So, when it comes to politics and sex – who is better to screw? I would love to give my personal opinion but I’m not that brave. Instead, I’ve conveniently turned to scientific studies and research to find the answers.

According to three recent studies carried out by The Journal of Public Economics, right-wing pollies are considered more physically attractive in Australia, Europe and the US. Apparently “attractiveness” helps with wrangling votes and is an obvious advantage when trying to win an election.

We’re guessing Tony Abbott’s speedos definitely helped him nab the top job? But I’ve digressed. Beautiful people are bigger money earners on the whole. They are more likely to protest against the redistribution of resources and funds, which is a classic right-winger trait!

One of the studies stated, “A more general psychological explanation could be that good-looking people are more likely to perceive the world as a just place, since they are treated better than others, achieve higher status and are happier.” According to a recent European survey of 19,000 people, those who identify as politically conservative are much happier with their sex lives. The survey reveals that conservatives have more sex, more sexual confidence and sext more per week compared to Democrats.

Over the years research has revealed that left-wing folk find it harder to be happier – they have a lot of compassion and see the world as unfair. On the flipside, conservatives – with all their natural beauty and privilege (insert sarcasm here) – get through life easier. No doubt these political traits can (and do) seep into one’s sex life… but they don’t have to.

At the end of the day one’s sexual prowess doesn’t get down to whether you voted for Liberal or Labor. A happy sex life shouldn’t discriminate. It shouldn’t kick you to the kerb because you voted for the wrong person. It shouldn’t stop giving you oral sex because your political ideologies changed. It shouldn’t close its legs because funding got cut. But as YouGov’s head of political research, Joe Tywan, told Buzzfeed: “There are obviously numerous factors that might explain an individual’s sexual happiness. The study doesn’t suggest that changing your political views would make you happier in bed.”

In conclusion, sex should be 110 percent free of bullshit. So… perhaps having intercourse is the one activity where we should leave our politics outside the door?