Morning Glory

Vanessa’s sex column above appeared in the May 2017 issue of Maxim Magazine.

What is it with blokes and morning sex?

I’ll be having a nice peaceful sleep and I’ll feel a boner jabbing into my back.

I’ll be having a nice peaceful sleep and I’ll feel a hand fingering my c*nt.

I’ll be having a nice peaceful sleep and I’ll feel my arse and breasts being groped.

Men LOVE to shag at the break of dawn and that’s a fact. Yet most women prefer to shag at dusk.  

“Men build up testosterone overnight, which boosts their coital instincts in the A.M”, says Ph.D. and sex-therapist — Tammy Nelson.

That’s great guys!  You wanna unload — I totally get it.

But there are some things women will NEVER understand about men and ‘the morning fuck’.

So listen up and help us understand.

Morning breath

Why don’t men care about morning breath?  It’s the million-dollar-question that all women want to know.

Shouldn’t it concern you that our mouths smell like we’ve just licked a ceiling? Obviously not.

Whilst you might not care about butt-breath — let me tell you, women do!  

Can’t you at least wait until we’ve cleaned our teeth or grabbed some mints from the bedside table? Sheesh.

If you can’t wait to get it in, I suggest the spoon-dog position.  This will make your partner feel a whole-lot-more obliging, trust me!  

Plus, it’s a surefire way to give her a g-spot orgasm — that’s my definition of ‘breakfast in bed’.

The wizz

Dear Blokes,

I realise you’ve just woken up and your cock is rock hard.  

I also realise there’s a woman’s pussy lying next to you, that you’d like to stick’ it into.  

Bravo.

But just wait a moment., you’ve just woken her up but she’s busting for a piss.  Women wake up with a full bladder in the morning.  “The same muscles necessary to stop urinary flow are the muscles that control orgasm” says Ph.D and sex therapist, Tammy Nelson.  Be a gentleman and let the poor woman urinate before you jump on her.

Caffeine

Can somebody tell me what the rush is with blokes and their morning-shag-routine?  

I’ve literally woken up with a cock thrusting inside of me on many occasions — (I actually thoroughly enjoyed it but that’s not the point).

Can’t you wait ten minutes? 

Like, until we wake up? …and have some caffeine. 

Or do you blokes like to fuck a zombie-starfish? 

Which leads me to my next question…

No gymnastics before 10am

Many-a-man believes he can wake a woman up for  morning sex, then expect her to be a contortionist or show him her gymnastic skills.

Here’s a tip:  It’s not happening buddy!  

You want to fuck her before coffee, before a shower and before minty breath?  

Well, then you have to settle for zombie-starfishes and low-key, low-energy positions like spooning.  

Yep, that’s all you’re getting.  Be grateful.

Long live the zombie-starfish.

Keep it clean

Obviously, morning sex is very primal for men.  So worrying about cleanliness or the fact that your female partner has just opened her peepers, is the last thing on your mind.

No offense guys but women like to feel confident about themselves when they have sex.  

You know?  Sexy!  

We don’t feel very sexy when our eyes are sewn together by sleep-crust and we’ve been drooling on our pillow like Homer Simpson all night.  

Allowing us a quick shower to freshen up would be much appreciated but hey, you seem to have the inability to wait for some reason. 

So again, I advise the spoon-dog.  

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Morning sex can be a great start to the day for both men and women — with just a little bit of compromise!